


Of Vampires and Death Eaters

by GreenArcher



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Character Bashing, Gen, Humor, Parody, Second War with Voldemort, Twilight Bashing, Twilight Spitefic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-16
Updated: 2011-07-16
Packaged: 2018-02-13 13:51:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2153100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenArcher/pseuds/GreenArcher
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With the Ministry of Magic slowly crumbling, Voldemort decides to recruit a certain sparkly vampire to aid him in his war efforts. But not just <i>any</i> sparkly vampire. Crack fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Vampires and Death Eaters

It was a dark, stormy night at the Malfoy Manor. Voldemort was drumming his fingers on the long, wooden table surveying his Death Eaters with a slightly bored expression etched upon his face. "You know why I have brought you all here today, I presume?" he asked in his chilling, snake-like voice.  
  
"Because we're the only house you can hold these meetings in?" Draco replied dryly. Several heads of death eater's turned in his direction. Lucius shot him a dirty look.  
  
"What?" Draco said, widening his eyes, "Snape has a house too, why can't we go to his for a change? Do you have any idea how difficult it is for me to keep the house clean when all the death eaters and snatchers keep on tracking blood and dirt around the carpet? They could at least clean themselves up a little first considering we don't have a house elf."  
  
"Enough, Draco!" his father said, giving his son a sharp slap on the face. Although he had to admit, those snatchers were proving to be quite a handful as of late. Fenrir especially was getting into a nasty habit of leaving his hair all over the bathroom floor whenever he shaved or groomed or did whatever it was he did in there. They could at least show a bit more concern in keeping their house clean. Still, he nodded his head, willing the Dark Lord to continue.  
  
"As you are all aware," Voldemort said purposefully, "Our army is steadily growing. We have giants…"  
  
"Check," said Amycus.  
  
"Inferi,"  
  
"Check," said Rowle  
  
"Werewolves."  
  
"Check," said Dolohov.  
  
"Do not say that word again!" Voldemort shouted, standing up from his chair and brandishing red sparks from the end of his wand.  
  
Dolohov immediately shrunk back down in his seat. "S-Sorry my Lord," he whimpered.  
  
Voldemort put his own wand away and sat back down. "But," he continued, "We do not have…vampires."  
  
"Vampires?" Lucius was the first to exclaim, "But my Lord, vampires are hardly a good inclusion to the cause! They are as fickle as goblins, they feed off of any flesh, regardless of whether it is the blood of a muggle or a pure blood."  
  
"Are you claiming that I am uneducated about the nature of vampires, Lucius?" Voldemort said, his red eyes suddenly blazing, "I studied in the dark arts for several years before your time, of course I am aware! I am not just asking for any vampire," Standing up again, he threw out a page that had appeared to have been ripped out of a Hogwarts library book. "The lamia micans," he said as he showed them the diagram on the parchment, "A very elusive, very powerful species. Capable of incredible speed and strength, as well as some unique powers of their own. They do not weaken in the sunlight and they are resistant to things such as crosses and holy water. You will find them to be more useful to us than the ones that live here in Britain."  
  
"So then you are to say that this species of vampire is not native to Britain?" asked Mulciber in interest.  
  
"No. They have headquarters in Italy, however our negotiations with them have...failed, to say the least."  
  
"They were eaten, the ones you sent, weren't they?" said Greyback. Voldemort shot him a dirty look. How many times did he have to tell him that only Death Eaters were allowed in on their meetings?  
  
"What?" Greyback continued nonchalantly, "It's what I would have done. Being a king of the vampires and all. I'd love it."  
  
"Get out," Voldemort said coldly.  
  
"Yes my Lord." In an instant the werewolf bowed his head and was gone from their sight.  
  
"Yes, our negotiations with the Volturi were less than desirable," Voldemort continued, "However, thanks to some of our insiders working at the Ministry, we have heard word that there is one coven of them living in the United States of America."  
  
"America?" Selwyn repeated.  
  
"So far, my Lord!" Wormtail squeaked, "Not that we are…incapable."  
  
"You will be more than capable, Wormtail. The American President of Magic remains ignorant to the war we wage here in Europe. There are no Aurors there; once you get past the European border your actions will remain completely undetected."  
  
"So then you wish for us to go to America to recruit one of these, vampires to our cause?" Snape surmised.  
  
Bellatrix looked like a dog that had just been promised a special treat. "It shall be done my Lord," she exclaimed, her heavy-lidded eyes wide with delight, "I swear it!"  
  
Snape gave the book clipping a quick glancing over. "And just whereabouts in America are these…lamia micans?" he asked after a moment.  
  
Voldemort grinned. "They are said to inhabit a small town in the state of Washington known as…Forks."

* * *

_I inched closer, stretched out my whole hand now to trace the contours of his forearm with my fingertips. I saw that my fingers trembled, and knew it wouldn't escape his notice._  
  
 _"Do you mind?" I asked, for he had closed his eyes again._  
  
 _"No," he said without opening his eyes. "You can't imagine how that feels." He sighed._

_I lightly trailed my hand over the perfect muscles of his arm, followed the faint pattern of bluish veins inside the crease at his elbow. With my other hand, I reached to turn his hand over. Realizing what I wished, he flipped his palm up in one of those blinding fast, disconcerting movements of his. It startled me; my fingers froze on his arm for a brief second._  
  
 _"Sorry," he murmured. I looked up in time to see his golden eyes close again. "It's too easy to be myself with you."_  
  
Edward's dreamy voice was suddenly cut out as several loud crackling noises broke through the silence of the meadow where he and Bella were lying. In an instant, he and Bella found themselves surrounded by several masked figures in black cloaks.  
  
"There's one!" Bellatrix shouted eagerly as she pointed at the boy lying in the grass, "See the way his skin sparkles? It must be!"  
  
As his gaze fell on the vampire, Snape jumped backwards, feeling repulsed. The boy was a vampire, no doubt about it. His buttoned shirt was opened to reveal a magnificently shaped torso, and his whole skin shimmered as though someone third year student had attempted to transfigurate him into some kind of diamond, but hadn't done it well enough. He was ultimately disgusted; the Dark Lord had to have been under the confundus charm to allow this ridiculous species of vampire to join their cause.  
  
"What's going on?" Bella said in alarm. The cloaked figures began drawing what appeared to be wands and circling around the two of them. At the same time, Edward's expression became dark. He shot to his feet and pulled her up with him, almost breaking her arm with his inhuman strength.  
  
"You have to run Bella," he told her.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I can read their minds. It's me they're after, not you. GO!"  
  
But Bella was too dazzled by Edward's alarmed expression to do anything. There were grass blades stuck to his shirt and his hair, giving him the image of an angel who had just fallen to the earth. His eyes were a shimmering topaz. She felt herself melt in them and remained rooted to the spot.  
  
"Oh for Christ's sake!" Edward said in frustration. He turned around jumped with his godlike agility towards Bellatrix. He hoped that if he showed Bella how dangerous he could be, maybe she'd take the hint and run. He appeared for a moment as a blinding streak against the sky, and then Bellatrix, prepared for his attack, raised her wand and shouted "Petrificus Totalus!"  
  
Edward froze in mid-jump; his legs and feet clasped to his sides and fell back on to the grass, motionless. He was so still, he could have passed as a handsomely carved statue. Except for the fact that he was covered in glitter of course.  
  
"Edward?" Bella said, breaking out of her stupor. She crawled over to him and poked him in the side. He was stone cold...or at least, colder than how he was a few moments earlier. "Edward!" She shouted. And then she began to sob.  
  
"Well that was easy enough," Alecto said, amused.  
  
"What about the girl?" asked Nott, "Should we kill her?"  
  
"As much as I despise muggles this one looks too pathetic for me to see any real pleasure in torturing," said Bellatrix. She found this to be fairly disappointing; she always liked a good torture session. "Let's just wipe her memory."  
  
Macnair obliged. "Obliviate!" he shouted. In an instant, Bella's eyes became foggy and unfocused. The Death Eaters quickly gathered up the vampire's immobile body and disapparated from the scene.

* * *

When Bella was able to remember things again, she found herself lying in her room back at Charlie's. There was a dark skinned teenaged boy with long black hair and black eyes staring at her in concern.  
  
"Are you alright Bella?" he asked.  
  
"You...," Bella said, her head feeling pleasantly foggy and empty for some reason, "I remember you. You were that boy I talked to at La Push. You're Jacob Black, my dad's friend's son."  
  
"Yeah, that's right," Jacob said a bit confused.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I found you out in the meadow and…I brought you back,"  
  
Bella looked puzzled. She was sure something had happened before, but she couldn't remember what. Actually she didn't quite remember coming to stay at Charlie's at the first place, but what did it matter? She was here now. She smiled at him. "Thank you Jacob. That was really, sweet of you."  
  
***  
  
Back at Malfoy Manor, the Death Eaters apparated in front of the gates with their freshly caught vampire in tow. After they'd been admitted inside they bound the boy up with some enchanted chains and released the body binding curse from him. He quickly tried to escape, but it was useless, the chains were too tight, even for a being of his strength.  
  
"Edward Cullen," Bellatrix said as she paced in front of him, the other death eaters watching with their wands drawn, "Yes, Edward we know a great deal about you. How you live with your adopted parents and siblings in that dreary little town in the States. How your family has been masquerading as muggles for centuries. Your father, Carlisle, he is a doctor is he not?"  
  
The death eaters broke into vicious laughs. Bellatrix proded Edward's chin with her wand and continued. "But no more! We are giving you the highest honour imaginable. A chance to work with the Dark Lord, no longer hidden from the world, no longer an outlaw. A chance to feed on the blood of others to your heart's content."  
  
"I'm a vegetarian," Edward replied cooly.  
  
Bellatrix's expression suddenly turned slack. "What?"  
  
"You want me to kill people for your master…I'm a vegetarian. I drink blood from animals, not people."  
  
There was an awkward pause.  
  
"What abomination is this?" Yaxley said, disgusted, "A vegetarian…he might as well be called a blood traitor!"  
  
"What do we do?" asked Mulciber.  
  
"We must bring back another one, one that's not…a vegetarian. It's our only hope," Lucius said.  
  
But just then the door opened, and in walked Voldemort with his snake Nagini drapped over his neck like some kind of ugly scarf.  
  
"You have him, I see?" he said, looking pleased. He walked forward and passed a hand over Edward's face. He was impressed, not only did he look about as young as Harry Potter but he almost looked as handsome as he once did. Actually he looked a bit like that Diggory boy he had killed back at the graveyard two years ago but that was probably a coincidence. "You are aware of what we stand for?" he asked him.  
  
"Yes," said Edward, "But...,"  
  
"Very good! Well by all means let us put him to the test!"  
  
Voldemort marched out of the room, biding the other death eaters to follow him. Bellatrix shared a frightened look with her colleagues before they followed him. They knew they were going to be punished for this, but at the same time, they wouldn't dare tell their master the truth about the vampire they had brought back for him.

* * *

Voldemort decided to test out Edward's abilities in a public muggle location – Piccadilly Circus in London.  
  
The plan was that they would leave Edward by the Shaftesbury Memorial while they hid behind a tourist cart (the vendor was on a "temporary" leave of absence) and witness his attack. Macnair pointed out that it might have been safer to put up some concealing charms around them for extra protection, but the Dark Lord seemed to insist that that wasn't necessary. There was a bit of a fight over who was going to sit next to him, and in the end it ended up being Lucius.  
  
"I am so delighted to see our vampire in action!" Voldemort said to him eagerly, "They may perform a variety of feats to muggles before they kill them; send them horrible hallucinations, use the Cruciatus curse without wands, seduce them into handing themselves over..."  
  
"Running away," Lucius thought. But then he quickly shielded his mind, he wouldn't let Voldemort know of that particular piece of information about their vampire.  
  
Edward stood by the memorial, listening to all the thoughts of the different tourists passing by him. He was grateful that he'd had time to button up his shirt before he got here. If he'd revealed his condition here, to a whole crowd of humans, the Volturi would kill him for sure. But now what was he going to do? He was an ocean away from Bella. Maybe if he tried to find Gabriel, the leader of the British coven he could send Carlisle a message and find out if she was alright.  
  
Feeling reassured with his plan, he took a step forward. At the same time, a young girl ran up to him.  
  
"EDWARD CULLEN!" she screamed. She had short hair and braces and was wearing far too much makeup for her own good. From reading her thoughts, Edward realized that she was from the land of TV Celebrities, cosmetics and double-A bras. He took a nervous step backwards.  
  
"EDWARD!" a second girl screamed, running up to him.  
  
"BITE ME EDWARD, BITE ME!" screamed a third.  
  
"I LOVE YOU EDWARD! PLEASE, LET ME HAVE YOUR CHILDREN!"  
  
"What? Where did you all come from?" They were slowly crowding around him now and trying to grab for him all at once. Edward stepped backwards and felt his back brush up against the monument. He was trapped. Damn. How on earth was going to get to Gabriel when so many of these girls were now ogling at him like he was some kind of adorable animal at the zoo? Unless...oh God, not again!  
  
Something strange was happening to the girls. They were swelling up like balloons, their eyes were bulging, and their skin was turning pink. He couldn't read their thoughts anymore; they were too rapid and incoherent for him to make out. And then quite abruptly, they exploded right in front of their eyes, just little strips of confetti at Edward's feet.  
  
From their hiding place, a great hush had fallen over the Death Eaters. None of them, in all their years of magic, could believe what it was they had just witnessed.  
  
"Wonderful!" Voldemort was the first to exclaim, breaking out into applause, "You see that my friends, you see what this breed of vampire is capable of? You must bring back more, right away!"  
  
Lucius opened his mouth in shock. Edward couldn't get out of the way now because even more girls were crowding around him and exploding into confetti. Some of them weren't even girls; some of them were full-grown women who looked as old as his wife, if not older! "Y-yes my lord," he stuttered, unable to believe his eyes.

* * *

Edward and the rest of his family were killed by Aurors following Voldemort's defeat at the Battle of Hogwarts. Before that they killed hundreds of muggle fangirls with their dazzling sparkles and increased the amount of illegal vampire hunting in the wizarding community by tenfold. Bella, under the influence of Macnair's memory charm forgot that Edward ever existed, fell in love with Jacob, got married to him and they had many furry kids together. Then one day she accidentally drove her truck off a cliff and was never seen again.  
  
As for Harry, Ron and Hermione, they became very successful in their new careers in the Ministry of Magic. About nine years after Voldemort's defeat, they found themselves sitting together in Harry's new office where he'd just been appointed head of the Auror Department.  
  
"Blimey," Ron was saying him, "You really mean to say that muggle girls were getting blown up just from the excitement of seeing a vampire from this book?" he said, referring to the black book Harry had just received in the mail from an anonymous fan, "And I thought Hermione was mental for obsessing over Lockhart in second year. Why didn't we learn about these kinds of vampires in school anyway?"  
  
"That's because they weren't real vampires," said Cedric's portrait, which was now hanging in Harry's office along with several other faces of the deceased.  
  
"What?" said Harry as he turned to look up at him.  
  
"They were just the result of one muggle woman's sexual fantasy gone wrong," he explained, "That book they sent you, it was based on a dream she had. When you read it you'll understand. She's completely mad and she's in love with her own fictional creation. But, then again...I guess it's not such a fictional creation anymore."  
  
"Wait a minute, you've read these books before?" asked Hermione in interest.  
  
Harry thought he could see a bit of blush appearing on Cedric's canvas. "Let's just say that there are some things about me that are best left unsaid," he said. And then, looking quite flustered, he disappeared from his frame.  
  
Cedric's portrait refused to say anymore on the subject after that.  
  
 **The End**


End file.
